Jersey Shore, Season 4, Episode 11

20 10 2011

Will The Situation actually not go to The Shore? Does anyone care? Do I? Answers to these questions and more on the upcoming recap of Jersey Shore.

The Episode

– “I feel like Mike, he’s like making this house on edge. Nobody ever confronts him about it so I feel like if Ron like talked to him it would like snap him out of it a little bit.” Sammi on The Situation’s house to the edge making. I guess she doesn’t remember that time Snooki threw a champagne bottle at him, or the time Deena threw a spatula at him, or that time her boyfriend and Sitch got into a brawl that led to The Situation getting a concussion. A Sitchcussion, to the lay person.

– “Between you and me, I feel like the villain.” The Situation to Ronnie. A great title for The Situation’s memoirs.

– “I only want a couple of bridges. I don’t want all of them, dawg.” The Situation on even though he’s the bad guy right now, he still doesn’t feel the need to apologize to everyone he’s wronged. That’s a great fucking quote and I imagine that it’s how he actually feels. He’s the star of the show and he knows it and so long as he’s got one or two guys to at least talk to him he’ll be totally fine. Also, it’s pretty clear that Situation is modelling himself after Dylan McKay. And why not? They’re both rich, both on TV, and both 10 to 15 years older than their fellow cast mates. Watch this whole clip, but especially from 1:18 onward. May the bridges we all burn the light the way.

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Jersey Shore, Season 4, Episode 1

4 08 2011

When I first heard the news I was not surprised. Sending the cast of the JERSEY SHORE abroad seemed natural as they’d already achieved so much in America. Though I don’t know much about Italy, I believe that the JS cast has little to nothing in common with the nation’s past, present, or future. Situation, Snooki, and company are to the Italian people as Subway’s Italian BMT is to a home-made meal cooked by a devout and stout Roman grandmother. They are a pale (though obviously not literally), completely distorted vision of the old country. But none of that actually matters. The JS cast has nothing in common with the people of New Jersey either. I’m sure folks in the Garden State were much more comfortable being stereotyped as mobsters (Tony Soprano), morons only interested in sci-fi, comic books, and masturbation (every Kevin Smith movie), or uber-grating neurotic 20 somethings who revel in their own realization that love is the most important thing in the world (Zach Braff’s Garden State). You could put them in Columbus, Ohio and the show would yield similar results with the only exception being increased NCAA infractions for the Ohio St. football program (topical!). It doesn’t matter where the JS crew is because in the end they are who we thought they were.

The Episode

– It’s the fourth season and they still have the same opening credit sequence. I only mention this so I can mention something else for the seventh time: JWoww has yet to participate in any sort of post-coital decapitation.

– “international panty raid.” Pauly on his Italian expectations. I think International Panty Raid would be a great band name. I just hope it hasn’t already been taken by an all girl Poison cover band. Also, ‘panty raid‘ has its own wikipedia entry, which is shockingly long. What kind of person takes time out of their day to add to the ‘history’ section of the ‘panty raid’ wikipedia page? I don’t know and I don’t want to know.

– “I’m so much more better looking.” Vinny on his non-beard ‘beard.’

– Snooki’s dating a guy named Jioni. He seems normal. Much better than Emilio or that guy in the UNC hat from season 1.

– JWoww: I just want to make sure I stay this way in Italy.

Tom (her boyfriend): Me too.

It’s clear that JWoww has lost some weight. It’s also clear that she’s had a face lift. I suppose her face could look a lot tighter because of weight loss, but I seriously doubt it. She’s already had breast implants and has a crucifix belly button ring. Why stop there?

Italy's going to be great. Like face lifts.

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Jersey Shore, Season 3, Episode 11

10 03 2011

After watching the last episode I realized that something has been bothering me. It seemed so obvious and I was upset that I hadn’t thought of it before. Why haven’t Vinny and Pauly taken JWoww’s two dogs to the beach and used them to pick up girls? I know they live at the beach and don’t actually go there, but this seems like just too good of an oppurtunity. It would absolutely work.

The Episode

– “I’ve never been to Staten Island and I’m really curious to see what it’s like.” Pauly on going to Staten Island to eat dinner with Vinny’s family. One, it’s pretty shocking that Pauly’s never been to Staten Island. I believe JWoww, Vinny, The Situation, and the late Angelina are all Staten Islanders. Two, I think this is the first time in the history of the world someone was “curious to see what it’s (Staten Island) like.” People tend to be curious about large areas of cultural significance (Paris, Moscow, Rio) or really small out of the way places (any rural town with a population under 2000). Pauly’s statement strikes me as very odd. It would be like me wondering what Toledo, Ohio is like. “I’m really pumped to see Toledo. I’ve never been there and I’ve heard they have a minor league baseball team.” Also, since we mentioned Angelina, I think this would be a good time to remind every one of the nickname Vinny gave Angelina last season: The State Island Dump. Read the rest of this entry »